Your mouth is God's brothel.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
