Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
