You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
why do cheetos always look like penises
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
