I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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