these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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