i don't like sucking hair
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
