this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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