You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
