My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
