matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
