my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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