you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
