but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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