Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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