I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
