Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
