Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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