That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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