My first STD was from a foam party
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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