Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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