We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
