The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
