birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
