Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
