70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
