listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
