my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
