I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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