I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
