I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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