I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
