I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We had to coat check the pizza.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
