I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
