I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
