You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
