So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
