Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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