everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
