and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
