My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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