i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
