fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
