I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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