dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
