Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
