Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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