please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
