I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
