I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
