Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
