My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
