he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
